Megan’s Paper Trail

Goose-Pimples

August 15, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: System of a Down’s Aerials

The Bestie gathering went spectacularly. Amber brought her beau and I brought my mini while Ruby gave us stories about her boyfriend who literally doesn’t believe that the Holocaust happened. They’re headed to Germany for a week so that’ll be interesting for him. Real eye-opening. It was rather expensive but it’s downtown prices so that was to be expected. The restaurant was extremely prim. There was a beautiful fluffy pink tree in the middle of the dining room and a lovely view of the street below. It was a nice atmosphere. Too bad the service wasn’t top-notch. She was a server, a basic server. This restaurant is pricey, you’d think their servers would be on their A-game. Let’s just say I ordered a coke and it took so long to get to me that I forgot about it and ordered a different drink. They had non-alcoholic Blanc and it was tasty. I hope it was the non-alcoholic version because my face got flush after the first sip, like it does with alcohol.

I wanted to document something about yesterday. Okay, rewind to last week, during my relapse post-break-up. I got online and was extra flirty with a follower on Instagram. Apparently he has a crush on me and I like looking at him too. Wow, this isn’t coming out as eloquent as I thought. SO after my three day rest, I noticed he was still messaging me. Cute stuff, nothing creepy, very respectful. I finally got back to him and we’ve been texting on WhatsApp. I’m not sure what was said, but I literally got goosebumps from thinking about how nice he is. How much more thoughtful he is than Mark was toward the end and these are just with his words and gifs. He’s very nice and we’ve been texting for a couple days now. He lives in England so there’s that. He’s helping me move on from Mark, distracting me from the things that I can’t change. It’s nice. He’s nice. Richard. Richie. Dick? Oh dear.

Work is going to be long today but I noticed yesterday, having someone to talk to and get back to on my phone, it made the day go by quicker, even when there was absolutely nothing to do for the first three hours. It felt good getting back to work after taking the weekend off.

Today marks a week of sobriety. I’ve even swished it in my mouth while at work but didn’t swallow. It’s like playing with fire. One drop and I’m going overboard. So bizarre.
Do Not Disturb: Recovering

August 12, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Korn’s Freak on a Leash

Ugh.

For some reason, I’ve been dreading this entry. The drinking has finally stopped. Rewind back to last Friday, I dropped Viv off, headed to work, and discovered I was placed on the patio. It was hot, I had consumed an entire pint of whiskey before my arrival, I was certainly in no shape to be there. I went to a manager, made up some “parental” emergency and asked to be excused. Bless my job, they’re so accommodating. I left and went to Chipotle for some lunch and to kill some time. I knew that Mum was leaving for work around 4pm. I ate lunch, passed out a bit while watching YouTube (thankfully I was sat at a table facing traffic-laden windows instead of innocent patrons). It was so cool from the A/C and I was so very drunk and full of food. Anyway, I toughened up and took myself to the car. I made the decision that if she was home, I’d just tell her that it was slow so they sent me home. Of course she was home and of course she knew something was up. She was on her way out to work, so I just excused myself to the bathroom to take a shower. It was so bloody hot outside, I needed to cool off. When she didn’t say goodbye, I knew she was upset. After the shower, I was so glad to just be home, inside, in the cool air, I didn’t have alcohol, but I was too hungover to really care so I laid in bed and cried. I cried over my break-up with Mark, I cried about my child’s disabilities. I cried because I had put myself in the same pattern as before, this wasn’t the first time this has happened with Mark. I hadn’t taken my pharma medication in so long, and for what? My brain raced.

Then eventually, I slept.

I called off work Saturday because I really didn’t want to be around alcohol, regardless if “wine” isn’t my choice of poison. It’s drinkable and I didn’t trust myself. I found someone to cover my shift the following day so I slept even more. I just wanted to reset. I slept for so long, two days perhaps. It felt nice to reset.

Thankfully, I realized sleeping wasn’t going to change anything anymore right as Vivian was dropped off on Sunday evening. I stepped into Mommy-Mode and have been okay ever since. I’m still a little lethargic and hesitant to start things. I’m trying to accomplish more when it comes to Vivian and her disabilities. There’s paperwork to file, procedures to follow up on. Mark’s ridiculous excuse for forcing ME to do it all is that they might ask for my information given that I’m the Mom and have the same last name. He’s such a prick. I’m already so overwhelmed with life and doing this as a single parent… I don’t want to get into it. It’s forced me to start planning to move away in a couple years. Like, legitimately. I’m setting aside money which is something that I never do, sadly. I’m just ultra serious about this. The most frustrating part is where. I’ve been considering moving back home, to the desert, but it’s changed so much. Where I go, Vivian will be with all the time rather than having a “break” for a few days while she spends time with her Dad. I don’t mind that, but sometimes a girl needs a break. It was worse when she was younger, now it’s not so bad. Anyway, I’ve debated different countries, different continents. I just don’t know, but I want to be realistic and well-researched. Viv has a lot of disabilities that will be filed in the state we live in now, so why move away when that’s all squared away? I’m just trying to find a fresh start and create distance from her Da for MY sake. When his head clears in a few weeks, he’s going to want to reconcile everything he did with a simple “poke poke” and then when I push back, he’ll blame me for being a crazy bitch but he’ll still want to sleep with me so he’ll continue to be flirty… This has been going on for over ten years now. A friend on Insta asked if he ever really liked me since it’s been on-and-off for so long and that made me really sad. It made me think about it and clearly, he didn’t. He gave me the best thing that’s ever happened to me and that should be the end of it, the end of us.

Another thing I lamented before sleeping for days was the fact that when I’m drinking, I’m a whole different person. By that I mean, a person that doesn’t seem to care what others think, a person that pushes forward on dreams. For example, I auditioned for Hairspray because my drunken-self pushed for it, I started a BandMix profile to gain access to local bands and start singing because I love to and my drunken-self pushed for it. My sober self is SUPER self-conscious and I wish I had the drunken confidence but the clear head. This sounds like a conversation for my therapist, my apologies. I’ve reactivated all of my social media yet taken a step away when this whole break up thing happened. I posted a dreadful video on TikTok and haven’t returned since. Maybe it’s gone viral, maybe it has the lowest views of all my videos. Ugh, I’ll probably delete it.

Tonight is the bestie gathering of August 2026. I wish we had taken pictures from the beginning of get-togethers to have a bunch of them to look back on. Oh well. It’s never too late to start one I suppose. I’m looking forward to it but not looking forward to the parking situation downtown. I’m hoping there will be something near the entrance. Parking Gods, be with me!

Today is Day four.
Sad Girl Does Laundry

August 5, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Glorilla’s Yeah Glo

Today is going better. I’m not lamenting this ridiculous breakup. Of course it still bloody hurts, but I won’t be talking about it so much anymore. He’s in the wrong and the spell has truly been broken. I no longer wish to be with him because that relationship gives me nothing but trauma and apparently it makes me insecure. SO. I love my daughter more than life itself, her father, not so much. I truthfully wish we could move a little farther away so I wouldn’t have to see him so easily. Friday will be the true test, but I fully intend on walking Vivian to the door, waving hello to his mother who is always on the couch, and closing the door. She may or may not know about our breakup, I don’t know. She will get the cold shoulder from me because she birthed such a raging psychopathic narcissist. When someone (especially your significant other) says you have something to work on but it’s not a big deal, that’s a fucking Godsend. Constructive criticism is a real thing and he’ll never realize that.

It’s a stay indoors-all-day kind of day. It’s smoky outside from the wildfires, it’s hot because it’s fucking summer. Vivian has gone somewhere Monday and yesterday so today, we’re chilling inside, in the A/C. I have hella laundry to wash and put away so there’s plenty to do here. There’s so much to tidy and put away. I need to start living minimally, especially if my dream is to someday live in a fancy RV. I watch a lot of RV living videos on YouTube and it seems like such a fun way to live. I’d love to travel across the United States and live in the parts of our country that I’ve only dreamed about. When I envision my future, Mum is definitely in it. I guess I’m done with romance. I’ll never fall in love again. It’s just too much. I finally tore down my own walls and shared a vulnerable “insecurity” with someone that I thought I could trust and that completely ruined everything for my future with someone else. I literally thought that I could trust Mark but actually the opposite was more reasonable. He’s extremely judgmental, regardless of what he says.

I took Viv to the indoor amusement park yesterday. After we got there, I went to the restroom and when I came out, Viv was at our table, in tears. She told me that someone told her she can’t be here because she doesn’t have the right socks. We brought a different company’s socks so I went to the front to give them a piece of my mind. When I was waiting, I noticed a giant “sock policy” sign and decided that my argument was moot so we left for the indoor trampoline park across the street. She had way more fun and we even ran into Amber and her son. It was nice to see her. I got to vent a little about Mark and she showed me her engagement photos which were so beautiful, of course I was jealous. Still, it was great to run into her.
Just Like That

August 4, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Otep’s TRIC

After finally breaking the news to Mark that I don’t feel connected during the day because we literally do not text at all, he claimed that I had too many insecurities and then proceeded to break up with me through text. All because I wanted him to text me more. He literally said not to gaslight him. I’m not sure he knows what that means because he frequently gaslights me. SO anyway, that sucks but in the end, what joy was coming from that relationship? We rarely saw each other and when we did, it was meh. He couldn’t give me what I want and the next time we come to this bridge, I will inform him of that. He can’t even do the simplest thing so he’s clearly not the man for me. It sucks because he’s Vivian’s father but whatever. I’d rather scour my tits off with a rusty SOS pad than get back together with him. Of course I’m upset. I could tell he was going to lay into me more after dropping the bomb, but I just told him to stop. “I don’t give a fuck”. I told him to go fuck himself and I absolutely meant it. I consulted with AI before texting him about my “issue” so I wasn’t completely unhinged but he doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve me or the best version of myself. Fuck him. For the last fucking time.

So now I’m a single woman. It took 29 days. It feels better. I didn’t like spending the night at his house and not being able to sleep. His arm wrapped around me was nice however he ran hot so it was extremely uncomfortable. Jackie may be a teenager, obsessed with her own things, but come on. Even Jackie, Mark’s other daughter, wants nothing to do with him. He’s a fucking asshole and he refuses to change. I brought something to fix to his attention and he turned it around on me, making me the bad guy. FUCK that. Fuck him. Fuck the future I was trying to piece together with him and my Mum hating each other. Ugh. I’m so done. May I also mention that he’s balding, short, incapable of showing human emotion, and has the most disgusting breath you’ve ever encountered because I’m pretty sure he brushes his teeth about once a year. Fuck him. Fuck him! Ugh, I’m so angry. Then, this morning, he sent some screenshot of our conversation at like 7am. It was talking about me reaching out to see if I could dress up for him to which he declined because he’s not a real man. I don’t understand why he sent it, maybe to see if I’m awake, maybe to get me to respond. Fuck him. I will not. He will hear from me on Friday morning, when I drop off my daughter. That’s right, my daughter. She has my last name because he’s a disgusting piece of shit pig, I keep forgetting that.
Still Relapsin’

August 3, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Godsmack’s Situation

I’m irritated today. Mum knows that I’ve been drinking Black Velvet and she’s been passive aggressive. Mark has been completely silent so I dished it right back and feel childish. I told him that we’d talk tomorrow but I seriously, seriously, seriously need to consider telling him how I hate the lack of communication. I don’t expect 100 messages a day, however, a “how’s your day?”, a “Good Morning beautiful”, even a fucking “sup” would suffice. Anything is better than nothing.

So yeah, the cat is out of the bag. I’ve been drinking again and I don’t feel good about it. I just miss having that connection with my old self who has such courage on the internet. I have incredibly thin skin and am a real pussy when it comes to people saying mean things to me. I never learned how to process and handle it, my Mum just handled it for me, making an ass of herself and me. By that I mean, friends in middle school were being total bitches to me and my Mum came to the school to “talk” to them. She had the right idea, sticking up for her kid, but took it a little too far. Still, she’s my biggest cheerleader and I’m sad for lying to her today about my sobriety date. I fell asleep on her bed and woke up to my cat sleeping next to me. It was so precious, that’s all I ever wanted. Ramsay (my previous cat) used to sleep with me A LOT. I miss that so much and this new cat, he’s not as snuggly.

Watching so much Youtube, I’m getting the influencer itch again. By that, I mean I want to film my life and broadcast it online. I bought a tripod for my phone today, I have a ring light and other accessories… but again, wtf do I talk about? And then, do I have the courage to stand up to the critical opinion of the public? Drinking whiskey though, I could act a total fool online, think it’s so friggin’ good, and then feel like an idiot about it later. Anyway! I just need to pick something and do it. Maybe sobriety could be my niche. Ugh. I don’t know.
“No Junk In It”

August 1, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Dragpipe’s Simple Minded

‘Twas a good day. Yesterday, after work, I decided to have a “shiftie” with my colleagues on the patio. Apparently it was a co-worker’s last day so they were trying to get a bunch of us together to party. They invited me to which I declined, I had “plans with my Mum”… it was really just dinner but I’m nearing 40, I don’t have it in me to party the night before having to work. Well. Those people called in today, claiming to be sick, but I knew. We all knew. I was anticipating working the bar and having two large party tables, but since they didn’t show up, I had a legitimate section in our tasting room, ugh. It went well though. All of my tables were readable and cordial. This job is SO much better than other server jobs that I have but I have to remember that this isn’t really a server job. I’m a tasting room associate. I talk about wine all day and try to coerce others in to buying bottles to take home among other things. The day went by quickly until the end when the reservations slowed down. I ended the night with an eight top that wanted split checks with random people in the party as well as half of another table’s check, so I had to check in with that server and let them know what was going on. It’s always the last table that makes the night so difficult to end.

During one of my “breaks” to the bathroom, I noticed that my hair is giving Nancy from The Craft. It’s very wild and slightly unkempt. I knew this fucking hairstyle was going to require some styling and I told the stylist that. I really feel like she was young and inexperienced but I couldn’t say anything so I just have to live with it. One of my bangs is too short, it hangs in my face and can’t be tucked behind my ear.

I started a Fetlife again. I’m not sure why. In the summertime, especially in August, I start to get, like, unnaturally horny. Perhaps it’s because I lost my virginity in the summer time, I don’t know, but Mark gives me what I need, but I want more. I don’t intend on meeting up with anyone and cheating on him, but like, videoing someone? I’d be pissed if he was doing that behind my back but Mark isn’t like me. He doesn’t have an insatiable appetite for sex.
Relapsing & CKY

July 31, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Metallica’s For Whom The Bell Tolls

I slept at Mark’s house last night and Mum, knowing what I was doing, decided not to talk to me all day. It’s such bullshit. It’s not my fault that I have people in my life and people that actually want to be in my life. I feel bad but it is what it is. We watched half a Godzilla movie last night. I was given a synopsis of the first half but didn’t really pay attention. I was just happy to spend time with my man and our daughter, which is completely healthy, Mother. Anyway, Vivian was put to bed and since I had taken an everything shower, I was eaten out, probably the best it’s ever been. He’s so amazing at it. You can tell he has a passion for it, it’s not just bullshit we’ve all seen in porn. After climaxing thrice, he decided it was his turn and after applying a prophylactic, he literally used his muscles, pulled me forward by my hips (hottest thing I’ve ever experienced) and had his way with me. I love that our sessions don’t take hours, like previous partners. He was so turned on by me getting off and having my feet wrapped around his head, he got off quickly. He usually does and to be honest, I’m flattered given he’s had a lap dance (and probably more) in the Orient. I’m sorry to be graphic, he’s just so amazing. It’s awesome to have such meaningful sex with someone who means something to me. We’ve been doing this dance for over ten years. I remember when we were first dating, holding off having sex for the first week, claiming to be a good girl, then unleashing my sexual prowess on him after not being able to take it anymore. It literally took a week. I remember every moment, in that blue-painted room, it was so cheeky. He was so gentle but firm, just like now. I love the way he is, sexually: no creepy fantasies, no cross-dressing or cock-cages, no forceful gestures. Looking back, I’ve been sexually assaulted by a partner and that was such a terrible experience. I love that Mark is so different in a good way.

Anyway! Work was great yesterday! I was in the special owner’s room by myself. I was constantly doing something so time really went by quickly. I had a shiftie after work, I’m ashamed to admit but it tastes so good in the moment. I’m really going off the bandwagon with this relapse. It’s embarrassing. I hope I can continue to conceal it from my loved ones until I can get it it together. It all started when I didn’t have to give all of my money to Mum so it starts with me. I have to make the conscious decision not to because I have money and the store is open. It’s such bullshit, this addiction. Amber finally asked about it and I had to tell her about my relapse. She mentioned how she was nervous about me moving back into Mum’s since Mum hasn’t decided to stop drinking. I tried to explain to her the confusing back and forth that Mum and I experience and I think she understood. It’s hard to understand because there’s so many facets. In the end, my sobriety can’t dictate what Mum does because she’s a grown-ass adult and so am I.

Probably mentioned this before, but I first heard Rammstein through Bam Margera’s CkY2Y. My friends and I were obsessed with this video (a literal VHS) and I loved it (Du Hast) because the beat was contagious and it was sung in German, which is my most celebrated nationality given that I’m American and have three other nationalities to choose from. Anywheezie, Rammstein is so much more than Du Hast. They have an amazing discography but you really have to get over them singing in German. Personally, I don’t mind. I love learning the lyrics and their translation. I love their music videos, I own all of them on DVD.
Sleepovers & YouTube

July 30, 2026

Mood:

Listening to : Inglorious Basterds

Wow, this month really flew by. I’m excited to sleep at my boyfriend’s house tonight. I even informed Mum and she had nothing to say other than “okay”. It’s 2026, this is the only time he and I have for one another. I packed my bag and my toiletries because I plan on showering after work. I also plan on getting some bookie when it’s bedtime but who knows when he goes to bed. He’s a night owl and I have those tendencies too, but I try to keep a normal schedule for Vivian and for work.

I’ve been bitten HARD by the YouTube bug. I love watching commentary videos and other videos about my habits. I want to BE a YouTuber but feel SO juvenile claiming that. Also, wtf would I talk about? I’m a mom, I’m a millennial, I have limited editing skills.
Relationship Static

July 29, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: System of a Down’s Aerials

Vivian had a playdate with Amber’s son at the indoor amusement park. It was nice catching up with Amber, but I noticed that Viv likes to “parallel play”. She’ll play alongside others but most keep to herself. I was the same way after I moved in with Dad. Imagine: you’re in third grade. You’re popular, people like you, you have friends, then you come home after a day of school to find all of your belongings packed into boxes and bags. You’re told you’re going to live with your Dad in another town and attend a new school. Pretty devastating, right? I didn’t really recover. My first friend didn’t come until 7th grade, a few years later. I was the girl who had fun sleepovers, with the Mom that did the fun crafts. That all was upended that day I came home. In my adulthood, Mum would tell me everything was supposed to be temporary but things didn’t turn out that way. I have no comment on the situation given that I was directly involved. Dad’s was more stable for me at that time and that’s okay. People make mistakes, I don’t fault her for that anymore. I will, however, rant about my childhood because it was not easy or nurturing. Anyway! Viv had a good time, I had a good time.

I was so angry with Mark. For like, two days. I finally broke the silence, asking if I did something wrong, knowing full-well I have done nothing wrong. He didn’t know how tightly wound I was so he was waiting for a response from me. Totally the opposite reaction I was hoping for but whatever. I said I didn’t know that. We moved on. I asked about his favorite anime, hoping to glean a character that I could dress up as to turn him on. To paraphrase, he said he didn’t need that. It didn’t take much to turn him on, but if I want to dress up for me to feel sexy, that’s fine. I said that I just wanted to be his fantasy. His literal choice of words: “What if you already are?” I about melted. This mother fucker. I told him that I was flattered and that was it. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it however I was completely elated. He can be such a prick and then say the most flattering thing… I don’t understand. I’m sleeping over at his house tomorrow night and I’ve got some really cute pajamas. He won’t give a fuck about them but I know they’re cute.
When Quiet Gets Loud

July 26, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Mindless Self Indulgence’s Bitches

Work went by really fast. And when I wasn’t serving people, I was worrying about my relationship with Mark. He hasn’t texted me all day and it bothered me. Like, to the point of tears. Then, after work, I went to pick up Vivian and everything was fine. I was very short, like my hair which he didn’t really have anything to say about except that I look good with shorter hair (riiiight) and he said it in front of his mama instead of just me so it’s basically bullshit in my opinion. I told him twice that I had transformed my hair and he never asked for a picture or what I did. I wish he would tell me that I’m pretty, like some validation after not having any for so long. His opinion is important to me and his silence really makes me angry. I haven’t texted him and don’t intend on doing so until he does first. And I know that sounds childish but imagine you’re the person who’s always (and I do mean always) starting the conversation and getting absolutely no back and forth. Imagine the other person is sharing what they like to do and you’re interested and asking questions, then the tables are turned and the other person could give a shit less, changes the subject or in fact goes silent. It’s infuriating. But when I have a problem, he’s right there with a solution, even if it’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard. Ugh, sorry. I’m just angry and hungry. I’m angry with him and angry that there’s a 90% chance that Mum’s had a drink if it’s not morning or time for work. I just want to eat and go to sleep. I don’t want to pretend to be happy anymore or smile for others and put on a brave face. Today has been emotionally tough for me with this whole Mark situation. I thought things would be different now that we’re “together” but it’s not. It’s actually worse. There’s even less communication now and I fucking hate that. I kept checking my phone ALL day like a jackass, hoping for even a “sup” text. I feel like such an idiot for wanting this. He didn’t even get me anything for my birthday. The horrendous trip was the gift (I assume) and that makes me want to cry. Not even a dinner, with just the two of us, or flowers the day of. Who the fuck did I think I was getting in to a relationship with? A thoughtful, talkative person who encourages me to be better and tells me that I’m pretty? That’s what I wanted. He is not that. He once was, but something happened and he lost that capability.